Just warning you this is pretty stream of consciousness. As most of you know by now, Jenn and I found out yesterday that we had lost the baby. What do you feel at a time like that?
I really don't know. It actually is a terribly mixed bag of things some of which I wonder if I should feel bad about feeling. I think all of it comes down to the fact that we heard a heart beat and that heart beat isn't there any more and that really sucks. Regardless of all the other stuff related to the pregnancy or now lack of pregnancy, we had created something and it is gone. Fears about money or health or being good parents, excitement over the new addition, a chance to be parents and a chance to raise a child; They are all gone for the moment.
I'm sure, God willing, there will be another pregancy and hopefully we will have a baby one day, but today just sort of stunk. It was my first day back at work and the fact that I had to tell a few people why I wasn't in yesterday stunk. The fact that when the girl who sits next to me asked when our baby was due, I had to tell her stunk. The fact that in a meeting, someone in reference to a product assortment life cycle said they wanted to know birth to death and all I could think about was an ultrasound two weeks ago that was loud and proud and an ultra-sound yesterday that was silence stunk. Like the silence on the other end of a telephone or a radio when communicating with someone and you aren't sure they are ok, only this silence represented the end of something small. No flat line tone like in the movies, just a silent audio track.
I guess I feel that it sucks. That's about it. We will move on. We will try again. I know God has his reasons and more than likely they include the fact that the baby didn't have a shot at survival or health. We didn't do anything wrong and Jenn did everything she could, bless her heart, to give that baby a healthy body to grow in. It just didn't work out and that sucks.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I have talked to a ton of people about this and well, what do you say? I have told the same story over and over again. I hope the next story I tell over and over again is about how I witnessed the birth of our baby girl or boy and how that really didn't suck. Not at all.
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2 comments:
Hopeless was probably my most prevalent emotion. Sheer helplessness in a situation over which I had no control. Just when we think we have a handle on life,reality comes and bites us on the butt. That's just how my own personal story starts out. I'll share it with you on a more personal level one day of your choosing.
Let's just say, that I too have shared in the heartbreak with which you are dealing. There is nothing in the world that anyone can say to make it better or easier. Most people like to ignore these situations, because they are uncomfortable and difficult to discuss. By now, you should know me better than that though. I believe in dealing with things head on. I am here for you. Day or Night, matters not.
I will say that you are right in the fact that He knows what's best in the end. At this point, one of the worst things to do is try to reason with yourself as to why it happens the way it does. Just know that it does and let it go at that. Also, keep in mind that He gives us mountains just so He can teach us how to climb. He will never give you a mountain without the tools to climb it. If you need, you can borrow some of mine.
You are both in our prayers at all times. We are here if you need us.
Bry,
I just read yours and Jenn's today for the first time. I know that you have 'I'm sorry' numerous and that it does nothing to ease the pain. I did not even think to read the blogs until I sent Jenn a Merry Christmas text today and got no response. So probably know me better than anyone but I have no idea what to do. I want to call and talk to you and Jenn but not sure what to say. For me, finding out today, kind of puts the whole Christmas concept intp perspective. You are very correct about Jenn, she did a great job. Man, I love you and Jenn a bunch. We will be on the way to Penn tomorrow but call if there is anything I can do....I can come back up if you want me to....haha Take care man and I love you guys.
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